I was always the One Who Got to Pill the Cat. This was because I was the one who usually managed to get the pill to stay down the cat's gullet.
1. Position yourself in a place where you can brace yourself. This usually involves a floor if at all possible.
2. Have a Very Very Big Towel Handy. Preferably in your lap. You're going to need this. Trust me. You should always trust me.
3. Already have the pill with you. And OUT. And READY at your hand. In fact, have two. They're small.
4. Smile at your baby. Coo at your baby (but not more than you usually do, this will make him/her more suspicious than they already are). Tell them how much you love them as you pet and cuddle and scritch and either a) (this is my method) back them in between your legs and enfold them between your legs so that only their head appears (why yes, you do wear thick jeans for this!) or b) enfold them completely but faster than a demon from HELL
5. IMMEDIATELY(do not pass go, do not stop, do not collect $200) set your thumb and middle fingers on the hinges of the cat's jaws and press in about 1/4" (maybe not that much)... just until the cat goes "ack!" and opens their mouth "ACK!"
6. POP THAT PILL IN! WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? Queen Mary to return? Don't stop!!
7. SLAM THAT TRAPDOOR SHUT!!!
8. You must now pretend that if you let go of your cat's mouth that Armageddon will occur. No, really. It will. Trust me on this one. But the trick to this is to keep gently... gently... gently... gently... stroking your cat's throat. Eventually they'll start swallowing.
9. DON'T STOP!!!!!! No matter how many gyrations your cat goes through. No matter how many scratches you have on you (hello? this is why you should be wearing long sleeves and jeans... you'll know better for pill #2, now won't you? you betcha!) No matter WHAT! DO NOT STOP until the cat has swallowed at least 10-15 times. Maybe more. You'll learn by pilling your cat. Every cat is different. Some are more devious than others and quite frankly, a lot of it is how deeply you manage to get that sucker down their throat. Seriously, the deeper you can pop that baby down your baby's throat, the better a chance you have of it staying. You betcha! There's a reason I ask for pills instead of liquid. "You want liquid or pill antibiotics?" "PILL!"
10. Don't let go. Pet your baby's head and gently let go of their mouth. Wait about a minute and see if they spit out the pill. With luck, you won't have to do it all over again. But honestly? Using this method, I've only had to repill about 5 times in the last 30 years and I've raised a passel of cats. I'm the Official Feeder of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Kitty Horde.
How I Pill The Teenage Mutant Ninja Kitty Horde
1. Position yourself in a place where you can brace yourself. This usually involves a floor if at all possible.
2. Have a Very Very Big Towel Handy. Preferably in your lap. You're going to need this. Trust me. You should always trust me.
3. Already have the pill with you. And OUT. And READY at your hand. In fact, have two. They're small.
4. Smile at your baby. Coo at your baby (but not more than you usually do, this will make him/her more suspicious than they already are). Tell them how much you love them as you pet and cuddle and scritch and either a) (this is my method) back them in between your legs and enfold them between your legs so that only their head appears (why yes, you do wear thick jeans for this!) or b) enfold them completely but faster than a demon from HELL
5. IMMEDIATELY(do not pass go, do not stop, do not collect $200) set your thumb and middle fingers on the hinges of the cat's jaws and press in about 1/4" (maybe not that much)... just until the cat goes "ack!" and opens their mouth "ACK!"
6. POP THAT PILL IN! WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? Queen Mary to return? Don't stop!!
7. SLAM THAT TRAPDOOR SHUT!!!
8. You must now pretend that if you let go of your cat's mouth that Armageddon will occur. No, really. It will. Trust me on this one. But the trick to this is to keep gently... gently... gently... gently... stroking your cat's throat. Eventually they'll start swallowing.
9. DON'T STOP!!!!!! No matter how many gyrations your cat goes through. No matter how many scratches you have on you (hello? this is why you should be wearing long sleeves and jeans... you'll know better for pill #2, now won't you? you betcha!) No matter WHAT! DO NOT STOP until the cat has swallowed at least 10-15 times. Maybe more. You'll learn by pilling your cat. Every cat is different. Some are more devious than others and quite frankly, a lot of it is how deeply you manage to get that sucker down their throat. Seriously, the deeper you can pop that baby down your baby's throat, the better a chance you have of it staying. You betcha! There's a reason I ask for pills instead of liquid. "You want liquid or pill antibiotics?" "PILL!"
10. Don't let go. Pet your baby's head and gently let go of their mouth. Wait about a minute and see if they spit out the pill. With luck, you won't have to do it all over again. But honestly? Using this method, I've only had to repill about 5 times in the last 30 years and I've raised a passel of cats. I'm the Official Feeder of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Kitty Horde.