Deconstruction Notes

[rolanni]

Original sentence: For higher score one aimed at the large rotating chutes higher up the column with the highest rotating fastest and being smallest.

Amended sentence: The three rotating chutes higher up the column scored more, with the highest, fastest and smallest chute scoring top points.

This message has been brought to you by, "What on earth is that woman doing in there?"

Beginning word count; Fledgling first draft:

97,483 / 100,000 (97.5%)

Fledgling second draft:

97,486 / 100,000 (97.5%)

Comments

[doryllis.livejournal.com]

Ah exciting editing. You give me hope because my first draft sentences are usually passive. [see example]

"What on earth is that woman doing in there?"

[bookmobiler.livejournal.com]

I'd guess..
Chuteing things.

[mbarker.livejournal.com]

I remember that sentence! It still makes me go crosseyed trying to read it. Thank you for the amendment, much less confusing. Might still want to add "Balls thrown into" at the start, since it isn't really the chutes that score?

[katmoonshaker.livejournal.com]

Oh good! I remember that sentence!! But I'll almost miss it. Those are the kinds of sentences with which one torments one's younger siblings... muahahahahahahaha! Damn, I miss Jonathan. You can never get ahold of David.

[keristor.livejournal.com]

I actually understood the original sentence, because it's the sort of thing I write when I start in the middle of the thought (and then someone else reads it and asks "What was he ON? And can I have some?"). The second is clearer, though...

[otaku-tetsuko.livejournal.com]

Infinitely more clear the second time around.

[tapetum.livejournal.com]

I love this kind of post. Helps me sort out the editing thing. Which otherwise, is somewhat freaking me out right now. *wanders off to shoot some of the excess comma population*