All them girls look the same to me

[rolanni]

One of the benefits of the day-job is that I get to peruse the catalogs of university presses. I therefore have, via the Duke University Spring/Summer 2008 catalog, news of a book entitled The Female Complaint: The Unfinished Business of Sentimentality in American Culture, by Lauren Berlant. Duke University is for the moment keeping the ISBN a closely held secret.

This book -- understanding that I'm working from the description, not the work itself (which I actually will seek out) -- proposes that the public intimacy of a so-called "women's culture" works to promote the notion that a woman's life is not unique to herself, but something that is automatically understood and experienced by other women. The author (again, working from the description) represents "chick lit" and "chick flicks" as manifestations of this fantasy all-women-all-the-time culture, and also (apparently) has a few issues with the way literature written by women is adapted to screen and stage.

I of course spent most of my life feeling like an alien among my own gender, having missed out, for one reason or another, on nearly all of the "normal" defining experiences of my cohort. All-night, all-girl talk fests? Not once, never mind numerous times. Lifelong bonding with a college roommate? Nope. Children? Nuh-uh. Divorce? Avert.

Now that I'm Older Than Spit(tm), I find that I have more in common with, and am easier in the company of, other women -- possibly because the burden of any significant years of life experience diminishes the importance of any one experience. I wonder how many have felt this same thing -- a disconnect between themselves and the group that is "supposed" to perfectly understand all aspects of your nature and your experience. And I wonder where that assumption of homogeneity came from, and why it's entered our Big Book of Base Assumptions. And I also wonder (naturally) how that assumption affects the shapes of the stories we tell each other.

Comments

[jelazakazone.livejournal.com]

Despite having experienced many of those "defining moments", I never really felt like I belonged. I've always felt like an outsider for some reason or another. I feel so happy to have found a mate who provides refuge from the nasty normal outside world.

I feel like these myths of the "normal woman" (and "normal man") do a huge disservice to many men and women. Doesn't it just foster a bizarre idea that we should all be a certain way and if we aren't, we are deficient in some way?

Thanks for posting about this. I find these sorts of discussions fascinating!

[ramblin-phyl.livejournal.com]

Like you, I had few of those "bonding" moments. Very few female friends until well into middle age. In my younger years I was too smart for the traditionals and not liberated enough for the women's libbers. Most of my friends were male. I still have numerous close friends that are male--without sexual tension or innuendo.

A lot of women in my generation (yours generation too) can't understand that. I still have little in common with many women of my acquaintance.

[mardott.livejournal.com]

There are entire populations of women with whom I could not possibly relate. Being female would be about the only thing we had in common. I think that's true for everybody. We relate to others based on experiences and opinions and hopes. Gender is a very small part of this.

Yes, there are many things considered "female" that define me, but there are just as many that do not.

Although - I am, for sure, more comfortable with women. I'll avoid a conversation with a man I don't know and even with men I do know. I'm not comfortable with men, although I like 'em just fine. I'm even friends with a few.

So what is it about women that makes me more comfortable? It's not as if I've never been stabbed in the back by one. Or ridiculed or ignored. There's just a strange "connection" that I feel with women, that we have something in common. And it absolutely affects my story-telling.

But I'm completely unable to articulate it, which means this must be my next writing assignment! I'll have to get back to you.

Just another girl

[baggette.livejournal.com]

I had a few (all) of those so-called bonding experiences, but failed to bond for very long. I think that perhaps, those notions were formed at a time when women had fewer opportunities to move beyond the stifling stereotype. When ALL girls were still expected to aspire only toward marriage, birthing and raising children and keeping a home.
Like "dialing" a telephone and "broken records" have outlived their original meaning, we have not yet discontinued the use of the expression.

[lornastutz.livejournal.com]

I can remember as a teen feeling the only place I ever fit in was hanging out at the local airport. I had tons of pics from the time I was a toddler around airplanes. I hated dolls but wasn't really a tomboy. Started out as a music major in '66, got divorced in '71 no reall job skills (except my mind),gave my husband custody, and fell into an admin job in an electronics co. and ended up in r & d engineering. My night time college experience (started engrg classes in my mid -30's about 6 yrs later) was to have the dean of the school of engrg tell mke that 1. I was too old and 2. I was a woman. Though about that for 5 seconds, told him another school would (& did) take my money & left. And not once in my field have I ever experienced sexual harassment.

So, all in all not too typical for a 60 year old woman who has often felt either alien or alienated and frankly does not get along with the kaffe klatsch type of woman.

But I'm happy, pretty much sane, I've done well and my daughter and I have a fantastic relationship.
Lorna

[(Anonymous)]

I think that the myth that all women are the same and mystically UNDERSTAND each other is another one of the societal pressures that add to the self-doubt and insecurity pervasive among girls and young women. If this was true, the idea that you're supposed to love and understand each other and move together as a herd, when you're actually competing and striving to get the best starts on your lives - you're doing something wrong.

I tried to write some detailed examples, but can't phrase it well today. Essentially, as I get older I no longer worry that I'm out of step with "the norm" - whatever that might be.

As I move past the competion to meet the "should-dos" (marry, have children, meet career goals), the pressure lightens. I can recognize that I'm happy with most of my life, find ways to fix or live with the rest. My old friends (female or male) are well loved favorite books who are constantly adding new chapters. New friends are a joy. And I can accept the fact that there are people whose minds are closed books to me that I don't necessarily want or need to open - and that there's nothing wrong with me or with them because we arent' the same.

B. O'Brien

[6-penny.livejournal.com]

Two comments:
1) Putting any collection of individuals together into a lump is an easy first step in the process of devaluing those individuals

2) Dorothy Sayers addressed at least part of this issue in her wonderful; essay 'Are Women Human' As I recall the essay was triggered by a mans' compliment on how realistic the conversations were between her male characters in their club, which as a female she could not have experienced. Her reply was that she just had them talk like people!

[otaku-tetsuko.livejournal.com]

This being yet another factor that links the folks in these lists. I agree with most of the above, having some similar experiences. I would put myself in the 'one real girlfriend at a time' group, but most of my casual friends are male.

Though I would refer all and sundry to "Even the Queen" by Connie Willis---there is ONE thing that links us all into instant sisterhood!