I know there’s a place you walk where love falls from the trees

[rolanni]

I have discovered that this week has a Theme.  And if it has a Theme, you wonder, can a Plot be far behind?

Leaving that for the moment, the Theme is Identity, or, more plainly put, Who am I?

You’d think, at this stage in my life, that I’d know the answer to that question, but several events that week have thrown what I thought I knew into sharp relief.

Y’all know, for instance, that my day-job is as a secretary administrative professional.  It’s coming up hard on The Day when Hallmark decreed that all bosses must Publicly Appreciate their clerical assistants.  Says something about Hallmark that almost all bosses everywhere feel that they have to go along with this — or maybe they justly fear what might happen to their expense reimbursements if they don’t toe the line.

In any case, my employer as all others celebrates the Joyous Event.  Before the days of budget crunches, Admin would invite each of the about a dozen administrative secretaries in personal email to share lunch with the couple folks from Admin to whom we all in theory report.

Nowadays, instead of the served lunch, there’s a social hour, which is of course also very nice.  But with the change of event came a change of invitation.  Instead of a personal email, there’s now an anonymous shout-out in the general email list that goes out to the entire college community, stating that the event will take place and providing a link to an RSVP page for anyone who would like to attend.

The “invitation” went out that way last year, and it annoyed me so much that I sent regrets.

It went out exactly the same way this year and it annoyed me again, but! I told myself, learning cannot happen without teaching.   I therefore decided to teach, and wrote a polite email to the person doing the inviting explaining why the shout-out was rude and cheapened the day’s supposed message of We Know Who You Are and We SOOOO Appreciate What You Do, Even if We Forget to Say It Most of the Time.

Received back an answer explaining that “administrative professional” was not an easily defined area, and that some folks considered themselves of the administrative professional pool who had different job titles.  Therefore, the general open call, rather than the personal invitation — so that everyone who “self-identified” as an administrative professional could come to the party.

I thought about that, and decided that this was both fair and inclusive.  Then, I examined my conscience and found that, no, I  don‘t “self-identify” as an administrative professional* — and sent my regrets.

*The stuff I do at the day-job?  The keeping of lists and files and calenders,  and the making of order out of chaos?  That’s what I do, part of it.  It has to do with being Sharon Lee, or possibly with being a Virgo, more than it has to do with my self-identification as a secretary.

OK, so that.

To recap:  Who I am is not a secretary, though it is someone who values and has some skill in maintaining order.

I can live with this.

Now, last night.  We went to talk to a local writing class about freelance writing.  It happens that I do self-identify as a writer, very strongly.  Steve and I were talking about our collaborative process and how we role-play scenes, and take on the aspect of our characters.  The class listened patiently until we had finished, then one student raised her hand and said, “So, after you’re done with that part, then you go back to being who you really are, right?”

This is something of a head-scratcher.

Who I really am is a person who writes — fiction, non-fiction, blog entries. . .  I am a writer.  Being a writer isn’t a flat job; it has a lot of dimensions, including the above-mentioned role-playing, some performance art, and the facility to step away from yourself, there inside your head, and let the characters have center stage.

People who have called me on the phone when I was in the midst of writing inevitably ask, “Did I wake you up?” because I sound really dopey when I’m scrambling to reconnect to non-story-world.  The reason I often can’t remember what “I” wrote today is because I had stepped back and made room for the story.

So the question of who I really am, the person that I return to being after I’m done doing the most important thing that I do. . . Wow.  How do you even begin to start thinking about that, much less answering it?

. . .It occurs to me that we partly deal with this question during our sometimes Guest of Honor presentation, when we allow the audience to invoke and ask questions of our characters.  That gig started because almost every single person we meet (who has read our stuff, let me add) almost immediately says, “I love your characters.”  Well, sure they do, our characters are much more interesting than we are — they have adventures while we sit at home and type.

Maybe that’s it?  I’m a woman who keeps order and who types.  Or, I’m a woman who encompasses dozens and every single one of my characters and my stories is who I really am. . .

So — who are you, really?

Originally published at Sharon Lee, Writer. You can comment here or there.

Comments

[queenmaggie.livejournal.com]

I am Eleanor of Aquitaine, and Margaret, Queen of Scotland. I am Lady Mannerly, Elizabeth the First and Mrs Brady from Inherit the Wind. I'm Cinderella's Stepmother, and the Fairy Godmother from Snow White. I am Beatrice, Lady Capulet, Maria, and Paulina.... I am a teacher and a mistress of etiquette. I am a scholar, a housewife, and a mother.
Life is my work of art... and the characters I play affect so many people both from the stage and in the lanes of a Renaissance festival. And when I write a work of research and teach others about what I do, I affect as many folks as when I teach ancient forms of courtesy and make modern children understand why it's important.
And I navigate among these personalities every day.

[queenmaggie.livejournal.com]

And, I have to admit, I imagine being Priscilla, or Pat Rin, or Miri, or Shan, whenever I read their tales...

[stormsdotter.livejournal.com]

I am working on becoming a writer. I put down 500 words today on my book during my lunch break, and I'm waiting to hear back on my first short story submission--It's been two weeks, and John Joseph Adams said that he will send rejection letters out quickly, so I am very hopeful that I will soon be able to call myself a Published Writer.

By the way, thanks again for posting about those novel critiques for WorldCon, I'm very glad I did that!

[mbarker.livejournal.com]

First thought -- Walt Whitman, Song of Myself...

Do I contradict myself?
Very well then I contradict myself,
(I am large, I contain multitudes.)

And a bit of a second thought -- I happened to be glancing through Psychology of the Internet recently, and read a section where they talk about MAMA -- moratorium, achievement, moratorium, achievement -- the modern cycling between feeling settled in self and breaking out of that self again? I'm not so sure that I believe this is new, but reflections on our self-image, our definition of who we are, are always in order. And I suspect that like any sufficiently complex system, we are not likely to be able to completely contain and bound ourselves...we are more than we think we are, and isn't it great!

[keristor.livejournal.com]

I was thinking of that quotation as well.

Who I 'am':

I am a programmer, in the same way that Rolanni is a writer. I can't stop that, it's something I do whether or not it's actually my job at that time.

I am a filker. Again, it's something I've done as long as I remember, I hear a song and the words just change (admittedly, I rarely actually finish a song: perhaps the word is 'fortunately').

I am a reader. I read anything and everything. Cornflake packets, even newspapers, if there's nothing else around (notices on my doctors' waiting room wall). I treat text as my primary input medium, it's why I don't often get on with cartoons (I read the text and don't notice the pictures) and was the problem I had watching The Matrix -- the version I saw had the original soundtrack but added subtitles in German, I remember almost nothing of the visual or sound of the film, I spent all the time reading subtitles in a language which I only know slighly and ignoring the perfectly good soundtrack.

I am at least three 'people' internally, and frequently argue with myself. Sometimes I lose all sides of the argument. (No separate names, though, they all just refer to each other in second- or third-person pronouns.)

I am large, I contain multitudes. Unfortunately I can't blame the latter for the former, or at least my doctor doesn't accept it...

[jelazakazone.livejournal.com]

I just read a book called Drive by Daniel Pink that is all about motivation (especially regarding work) and he asks "what is your sentence". I think you've formulated a great sentence. I wish I knew what mine was. mbarker suggests that we go through moratorium periods. I believe I'm in one now and will emerge at some point with a new sentence.

For now, I think the most optimistic phrasing of my sentence would read: she strives to provide and create.

[timwb.livejournal.com]

Not to diminish, but the question I've run into is: "Why are you?"
In that I enjoy writing, but why do I do it in that there are other things I enjoy that are easier, and that I don't torment myself about.

[redpimpernel.livejournal.com]

I'm just me.
Somedays I like me better then others. Most days I think I could be a better person. I am who I am. Sometimes I am who I pretend to be, somedays I want to be who I pretend to be. Rare days I would rather be anyone else.

Labels I can wear (in no particular order): friend, lover, scientist, computer programmer, reader, organizer, pet expert, student, teacher, unemployed, hand-holder, daughter, aunt, companion.

[brownkitty.livejournal.com]

I'm someone pretending to be the Man Behind the Curtain that nobody's supposed to look at.

And I don't know whether that's a problem.

[spiffikins]

I'm not terribly good at being introspective - mostly I'm just me, and sometimes I can see that I should try to be a nicer and less sarcastic version of me, but my level of sarcasm seems to be directly tied to my stress levels, so really I need to do better at managing my stress :)

I'm reminded though, of a conversation I had with a gentleman in his late 60's - he was renting out a house that my 2 friends/co-workers and I were interested in looking at.

He asked us "so what do you girls do?"

We spent the next few minutes describing how we were software developers...that we wrote software for computers to use...and worked on the computer programs.

Every word we said he just looked blanker and blanker.

Finally he brightened - "So you girls *type* then?"

We had to agree - yes, we type.

You are not "only" how others see you

[bookmobiler.livejournal.com]

So you girls *type* then?

Apparently he did too, typecast that is.

Not being as literate as some others here my first reaction to Sharon's post was "I am Legion" which is probably not really suitable.

Dyson

[(Anonymous)]

Even with having to unclog it, was it worth the purchase price? I'm considering getting one but am unsure.

Jim

Schizophrenic

[(Anonymous)]

No, seriously, many of us are multiple people.
The problem is, the last time I admitted (kiddingly) to multiple
people, my folk group leader asked if I could do 3 part harmony
on my own. Snort. Last time I ADMIT to it.:)

Anyway, the using-your-time-wisely trainers all say we spend very
little of our time doing what we think are our roles in life. If
you say, you're a dad first, husband second....but don't spend lots
of time on those things, you're going to be unhappy.

So - based on how much time I spend: I am a bookseller, a reader,
a pastoral counselor/listener, a dog-lover, a sister, a Mac head,
a music-lover (though no longer a singer and pianist), a sailor,
a poet, an astronomer, a project manager/test engineer.

May I say, congratulations to both seeing yourself as a writer and
being able to spend most of your time on that? It's a blessing and
a joy to be so synchronous.
Lauretta@ConstellationBooks

[magda-vogelsang.livejournal.com]

I also consider myself to be more than one thing. I am a scientist, a fiction reader, a European renaissance dancer, a singer, a cake decorator, a gardener, a parrot owner/servant, and any number of other things that aren't popping into my head at the moment.

Oh, my, you just smacked me between the eyes!

[mtz322.livejournal.com]

You wrote "The reason I often can’t remember what “I” wrote today is because I had stepped back and made room for the story."
and again "...stepped back and made room for the story."

Gotta go think really hard about that!

I am me as we are altogether

[(Anonymous)]

Someone asked me once which character I was in a story. I'm all of them, or more to the point, they're all me. You don't really get to do much else. You can learn about cultures and people, and how they'd sound, and what they'd do, but in the end you're writing what you'd do if you were they.

A great writer gets into the depth of the person, but the core is still the writer.
--
Hacksaw